A New Year Date

Merry Belated Christmas! From what I can see everyone has survived the season but technically it is not over yet because New Years' Eve is right around the corner. And that is another reason to celebrate. Whether it is a big night out on the town or a house party everyone will be ringing in the new year one way or another.

Recently I had read something on social media that was asking people if they would consider having a first time date on New Years' Eve. My initial response was why would anyone want to do that to themselves because New Years' Eve comes with enough pressures but was I being too close minded? Maybe it would make for a great night and start to the new year. First, where do people go to fulfill this date without having a ton of tension? Secondly, do they go alone or with another couple? Lastly, what if there is no connection? Are you stuck for the rest of the evening or are their back up plans for each individual if things go sour?

I have no answers to these questions because never has one of my first dates ever landed on December 31st. What I do know is sequins of all color, whether worn by a male or female, should be displayed on this very evening. What's better than to bring in 2013 with something sparkly and shiny?

On that note, I would love to hear feedback if anyone decides to be adventurous enough to take the first date plunge on New Years' Eve and/or wears sequins. In that case I want photos of all that glittery goodness!

Love.

As we await for the end of the world to come upon us, let's take a minute to reflect on what is really going on in the world.

I like, actually LOVE to give everyone a good laugh and usually this is my platform to mix humor with anything that is relatable; true events that have happened to to me as well as what I hear from my clients, family, friends, etc. As much as I would like to comment on " the apocalypse", better known as 12.21.12  I would rather just say what everyone really needs is love.

I'm anticipating that maybe, just maybe, 12.21.12 is really a rebirth of kindness. Hopefully this will signify people starting to be kinder to each other.

I mean, who really wants to live in a world without love? I know I don't.

So in honor of a new beginning, and NOT the end I purchased a new pair of very inexpensive earrings (pictured below) with possibly the nicest word on it.  I think they might become my favorite.

The Beatles had it right all along. "All You Need is Love".

What to Give?

Christmas. A time for giving. But what do you get that special someone in your life? Does it depend on how long you have been together? Or what if this is your first Christmas together?

I'm not even sure I can speak on the behalf of most woman because I am not very traditional. I am not that " He should of went to Jared" kinda gal. Love to me means he went to Ticket Master, purchased tickets to a sporting event ( hopefully the Yankees! ) and then would buy me a beer once we get there. See, easy. Personally, I think we are not such complex creatures to buy for. Men would beg to differ. And I don't envy them for a minute. But.......wait! You guys are not the easiest to buy for either! As a woman it is so hard to be creative. What guy wants another sweater or tie? Regardless, it is always the thought that counts. 

In my early twenties I started dating someone just a few months before the holiday season. I think I bought him a sweater and cologne. I just purchased a new car a few months earlier and he lived in a  not-so-great section of town. He bought me a gift card and The Club. And when I reference  "The Club" I mean that erect piece of steel that locks to your steering wheel for vehicle safety. The device that if someone really wants the car and knows what their doing they could steal it in a few minutes flat. I may be a sarcastic person and find everything funny but, I have to say, I found this a bit charming. He knew he didn't live in the best area but did know I would come to his house to spend time with him and his family on the weekends. It was his way of saying "come, visit and feel some comfort that your shit won't get jacked real quickly". So sweet. We dated for quite sometime and my car was never stolen. My purse was another story. I would have to hide it when his Uncle with a stealing problem would stop by. 

Guys, Gals, good luck shopping for one another. I hope that you all find the perfect gift that compliments your significant other. 

Good luck!  

Horizontal Stripes

Chances are I would NOT feel inclined to date someone in jail/prison ( and I would think most of the female population would agree with me. By most, I am not including the woman currently entertaining the Menendez brothers).

Due to current conditions, meaning their are no real possible options, should we resort to the boys behind the bars? I mean, they need love too, right? I am writing this based on a conversation I had with a friend a few weeks ago. So, without any further ado, here is how it went down. No cocktails were involved either. Just a few sober people discussing men and prison. What's next? A discussion about soap on a rope? We'll leave that for next time.

My friend is in the midst of a divorce. The logistics of the paperwork have not been fully completed but matters of the heart had left this couple way before a paper clip was even attached to what inevitably would go into a manila envelope. She has her own career and has started to put the pieces together of this new life. She is also ready to start dating again. So when she asked me where I go to meet men I told her my guess is as good as hers.

As you get older your options start to dwindle. A bar is no longer the place to meet someone of quality ( even though I'm sure some people do). Quality is the key but where would you even begin to look?

It got me thinking. The older we get the more baggage people need to check. And I am NOT talking about children because I don't consider them baggage. What's a deal breaker? A guy with a wrap sheet so long it makes Lindsay Lohan look like a nun? But at this age should we just expect it? And not only that but most people are not even honest about all the crimes they may have committed.

Here comes the most ridiculous conclusion that we both came up with. Cutting out the middle man and going straight to the prison. I mean you would be able to pick your crime of choice. Sex offenders are off limits. No bargaining there but what about a nice drug dealer? Or a pimp? Maybe a white collar crime? Tax evasion? My favorite? The arsonist. Everyone likes a nice campfire. You do realize we were just kidding?! It did give us a good laugh though.

On the serious side I am a full-on optimist and believe you can find someone without having to go the county jail. Plus, I am a terrible baker and with Hostess out of business I would never be able to hide the razor blade in a funfetti cake. With that creme center you would need a Twinkie to discreetly hide that kind of paraphernalia.

 As for my friend, she will find that nice guy minus the horizontal stripes or orange jumpsuit.

 Me? I might take a class on cake making.

Get Ready For It

I am waiting like most of the northeast for Hurricane Sandy to arrive. In the meantime I am drinking red wine and listening to some Ol' Blue Eyes. Because really, what else am I going to do? And let's face it;  Frank Sinatra's music makes everything a bit better.

As I await for this unwanted storm to show her ugly side I would like to recap on a few things that "went down" today.

I went to the grocery store to pick up a few more items. What I did NOT get was bread, milk or eggs but what I did get was barbecue chicken wings and Oreo's. Oh no! Maybe I should have purchased milk to go with those cookies! Regardless, there was a TON of  frantic people in the grocery store making mad dashes pass me. I was gingerly going about my business in slow motion because I am always clueless what to get in these situations because if you lose power things will spoil. So why all the produce people?

My main observation? The "single" individuals that were just like myself. How do I know this? Because usually "couples" tackle the emergency grocery shopping together, it's a Sunday and I am completely nosey. I check the ring finger (and yes I know rings do come off but they also carry a heavy weight mark when they do) and because each single male had mostly single serving items. So I say the calm before the storm at your local grocery store is a fantastic place to possibly scope out your local singles. Just my own silly little theory.

Moving on I decided to go to Target because I didn't think I could brave this storm without a pair of leggings or a pair of chadeliar earrings. Because during a possibly potentially dangerous hurricane both of these items are highly necessary.

 I am currently not wearing either of my brand new Target finds but I am wearing my New York Jets slippers (They lost today! Shocker!) , a Yankees t-shirt and my wine glass is half-filled. Sounds optimistic!

Let's all keep in mind what is important this evening: being safe and staying buzzed. It's about the only thing getting me through tonight during all these weather warnings on television.

Whatever is going to happen is, well, going to happen. "That's Life" ~Frank Sinatra

Ready For Halloween My Friends?

Here I am! And.....I am back. I had taken a short break (almost two months to be exact) from blogging because I spent the past month rescuing my friend out of a Guatemalan prison. Relax, I am just kidding.  

So here we are. It's already past the middle of October and were gearing up for Halloween. This is my, by far,  most favorite holiday. No pressure! Eating candy and dressing up like it's your job. Sounds like a good time to me.

You can be most ANYTHING you want to be without any judgment. For females, you could be a nurse, or a slutty nurse. Maybe a devil, or a slutty devil. Even a cowgirl, or a a slutty cowgirl. I think your catching my drift. Anything goes. But for men? What could a man be that is considered risky and seductive? I would say a plumber. The line " Hi Miss,  Someone called a plumber? I'm here to clean your pipes " is pretty much quoted in every D-list porn flick. Not that I would know. Or would I? Regardless, their is always some dirty mattress or fish tank that catches the eye of the viewer beyond the actual "acting" every time. Now let's get back to the topic of Halloween, shall we?

My ability to engage talking to someone rarely fails me. I like to talk to everyone and just about anyone- who will listen. Just the other day I was at the make-up counter looking to replace my lipgloss with the same shade. As the girl is working her heart out to find it ( and clearly does not want to be bothered beyond finding my gloss, ringing me up and then sending me on my merry little way) I feel the need to talk her ears off. Finally, just as her head pops above the glass display I cut her off to ask her what she is going to be for Halloween. Her eyes lit up! I knew I would get her to like me. She replies that they are out of my shade and then responds with " I am going to two parties and I am going as a couple." Totally patting myself on the back for getting this girl I have known for all five minutes to open up to me I reply back with " I love couple costumes! Soooooo,  tell me what your boyfriend and you are going as !" Her eyes look down and she quietly replies " My girlfriend. I have a girlfriend." Still enthusiastic (because now I feel like that opens up even more of a world of possibilities for them!) I tell her if I had a plus one I would want to be a swimming victim with fake blood all over me and my  boyfriend could be the shark better know as JAWS. She lights up, knowing I am all business when it comes to Halloween and says their thinking of being Zombies. A few more minutes pass by and my large caboose of an ass has pretty much made a spot on the counter gently pushing off the featured blushes on sale for the month. You would of thought we were long lost buddies. Just then a customer comes to the counter and I have decided that I should let my new friend make a few sales. I tell her to have a nice Halloween, she tells me the same and then I make my way to the perfume counter. New friends?!

I hope she has fun at her parties. And even though I am not attending any parties leading up to Halloween I am taking myself to the West Village in NYC on the actual day. I will meet up with friends, enjoy looking at all the costumes that people have worked so hard on all year on and if I'm lucky to have a few cocktails with a drag queen. For me, I have crafted my costume and it is anything but sexy. I would NEVER want to compete with the lovely drag queens downtown! But it's me. It's what happens when I have access to a hot glue gun, a ton of felt and a dream. And you all will get to know on the 31st of October.

I hope everyone has a good time and if you see me downtown please come by and chat with me! I promise not to talk your ear off.

Happy Halloween my friends!

Talking Skinny

A debate always has two sides which also mean their are two answers. No right or wrong usually comes of it because that's just what a debate is; the idea of something you feel strongly about and then trying to persuade the other team. Currently people are in debates over who is a better fit for the presidency this year, the current democrat Barack Obama or a republican who would have his first term, if elected, Mitt Romney. Another debate could be who is the bigger Queen of England, the actual Queen or Elton John ( love ya Elton). I would like to bring up a debate that had sparked my attention lately. Something that I feel really needs to be addressed. With fall just around the corner fashion trends are everywhere, most catering to woman. But occasionally I do see the man trends coming along and it is nice to see men taking pride in what they are wearing. It's better than a bum that is content wearing sweatpants hanging below his butt crack and a graphic tee stating "your mom is hot". So, the debate for question is: should a man wear a skinny jean? Let me explain how this gained my attention.

This all came about when I overheard a young woman telling her girlfriend she was contemplating NOT going out with a guy for the first time because his denim, from the upper thigh and straight down to his ankles were fitted.  Basically, he was a fan of the skinny jean. Is this bad or good? Should we judge a man by the cut of his jeans instead of taking the time to get to know him first? Woman, are we that shallow? I mean, come on ladies, I doubt a man would dismiss going out with us over an ill-fitting pair of pants that could translate into a nasty case of camel toe. Or, maybe he would. But in any case I think getting to know someone before you judge them on their clothing might be the best option because if you do like them, and start a relationship, better clothing suggestions down the road are possible. But giving up on a nice person because of materials is ridiculious.

I am not sure if that girl ever gave Skinny Jeans Guy a chance but what I do know is that camel toe can happen to men too. It's called moose knuckle. Hey, it happens.

Let's Get Comfortable

It's officially summertime! Swimwear and "clothing left to your imagination" will proudly be worn up and down our lovely New Jersey coastline. This is the time of year where people are out looking for a good time and maybe even a possible summer romance. It's really all about the fun factor. Hey, we're New Jerseyans. We know how to "live it up". 

A few weekends ago, as I was enjoying my summer cocktail at a friends bar-ba-que get together she explained to me a dating story that her friend of a friend had experienced. Isn't it always a friend of a friend? Regardless, I was compelled to listen. And excited that this nightmare she was about to tell me was not of my own experiences. 

Let's call this friend of a friend Melanie. I am actually not even sure of the name of the person that it happened to but it sounds like a sweet enough name to use for a girl who got romantically shafted. Here is her story. 

Melanie was like most girls this day in age. Independent, hard-working and looking for a nice guy that would stand by her side. She did what allot of busy people ( including myself) have done to look for love: go to an online dating source. After being on the site for a few months she found a very handsome guy who seemed too good to be true. According to him, had a very successful business.  She perused through his online photographs where one was of him in his living room, another was him leaning next to his car and the last one was of him outside a large brick building, no lettering, where he stated he " worked".  They went on a few dates and she was smitten. How could such a well rounded wonderful guy still be out there on the market? She felt so lucky to have come across and snag this hidden treasure. Until things took an odd turn. Every time Melanie would even mention where he lived he would be very brief and then change the subject. This dueled for his job as well. She noticed mentioning both of these topics would make him a little uncomfortable, so he would turn the conversation back to her. After a few more dates and with none of her questions answered, she started to become so agitated she decided to give herself a break from him for a few days by going out with some of her own friends.  While out with her posse she received a bit of unwelcoming news about her " successful man". Turns out, one of her guy friends recognized that name from when he was in college while she was telling him her latest dating saga. It was a " buddy of a buddy" at his dorm that his friend still keeps in touch with. One night, when all the guys were going out this guy came out too and shared all of his " dating secrets".  Let me establish his dating stats first;  he is a waiter at a popular chain restaurant and lives in the basement of his uncle's house, who is a lawyer. His " successful business " was a lie and as for his car that he was posing against in his profile photo was his uncle's luxury vehicle, which he also borrowed for their dates when he picked her up. The kicker of it all? You would have thought the photo of him in his living room was in his uncle's house. Not really. This guy had his friends take photos of him in an Ikea "living room" and would post them as " his place" on the website.  Technically, as long as he sat on the ever so popular Swedish furniture company's couch it was his own. But let's keep this real, never have I heard of something so ridiculous ( and funny! ) as this. Who would lie about such a thing ? Apparently this guy. 

Now, I have been to Ikea many times and enjoy all the already comfortable furnished living areas. And admit, that if I am there with a friend, I give them a pen from my purse to pretend it's a skinny microphone so they can be Bob Barker in the Price is Right and I could think I am one of the hot girls showing off what you could win at the Showcase Showdown. No joke. I do it.

 As for Melanie, she called him up that night when she got home, told him off and never saw him again. I am hoping Melanie could find a little summer fling to rebound from Mr. Ikea. 

Sweet Little Lines

 I had the best " line" told to me from a client while at work last week.

 Let me explain this gentleman to you. He is a very funny, elderly man that when he found out my age told me he could never date me because I was too old for him. Did I mention that he is married and roughly around 110 years old? Okay, I am pushing it. He is more like 100. Anyhow, every time he arrives at the salon ( he is not always my client but sometimes I get lucky and inherit him for an appointment ) he makes his way towards me to tell an abundance of jokes. And he is quite the dirty bird. What about his wife? She is a client of the salon as well and is a sweet, sweet woman. I even had to reassure her once that I was not interested in her husband and despite his " comes on's  " him and I would never be an item.  She smiled at me and look disappointed that I wouldn't be taking him off her hands. ( For the record, she does love him.) 

 He is a harmless man and in such a " PC" world we live in I think we need more people like him : light-hearted, funny and not too series. And as much as I tell him that he is a buster I truly do not mind. 

As I  began washing this older fella's hair , who also once resembled Leonardo Dicaprio in his younger years, he looked up to me and said " Kiwi, I wish I could have been a woman, so that way I could have met me." I couldn't help but to laugh and just say " First off, let me say that your the only person I allow to call me Kiwi and secondly, your right." 

 You have to love someone who can just put it out all there. 

 I will be sad one day when he turns 200 and starts forgetting those punch lines.  

He's Wearing.......

  Last week one of my clients bestowed me with the greatest gift:  a fresh dating story. It was not her personal experience but one that her sister had encountered. I graciously listened to all of the details as I combed her silky black hair,  precisely cut it and  watched the hair fall to the ground.

 My client's sister, a prestigious woman who has worked hard and became a doctor was looking for a man that was up to her caliber. Turns out the man that she had met online, a college professor, was looking for the same trait in a life long female companion. He wanted someone who could hold a high-leveled conversation and stand along him proudly and equally at any events for his work that he needed to attend. 

 According to my client, they went out few times and had a wonderful time. It's so nice when two people can find their exact match. The ying to their yang. I have never truly experienced it myself so I am going to compare it to the feeling I have when my socks come out of the dryer and I find the match rather quickly. Very exciting. 

 A few dates in, they were out one evening and  during their conversation he felt comfortable enough to tell her about a medical condition that he currently has. Oh, I have been down that road before except I didn't even have to take the time to go out with the guy because he decided to share with me all about his " leaky cyst " over the phone before we even had met. But this was different, nothing was oozing from his body. He had a condition called Hyperhidrosis. It's a condition where someone will sweat profusely because the body will have a hard time cooling down itself . And yes, I found out the proper terminology from Wikipedia. How am I suppose to know and remember all this? 

 The new details my client's sister received was not alarming until he decided to share another piece of information that he should of clearly left out. To control his sweating issue better known as " hyperhidrosis" he explains to her that   he wears his mother's pantyhose. Now this was a deal breaker for her but I feel like their were much larger things to address here. For instance, why didn't he just buy his own pantyhose? Doesn't nylon increase the sweating ? Why did he chose his mother's hosiery ? Did he wash the pantyhose before he borrowed them from her ?  Did he wax or shave before he put them on? And is he using the proper shade for his skin tone? Many, many questions for him popped into my head but my clients sister didn't stick around to ask. Curiosity would have made me stay around at least another ten minutes to have the survey of them answered. Just for the hell of it, he must have known a little about woman's undergarments,  so I would have also asked him if he knew what really happens the minute after an eighteen hour bra has been worn for too long.  Would it suddenly combust leaving your nips to dust the floor? 

 Needless to say she was out. She felt she could not date a man who wore his mother's pantyhose. She needs a man to wear pants in her world. 

 I would have to agree. Just thinking about a potential boyfriend of mine wearing that constrictive nylon would make my skin itchy. 

What Sign?

 It was good to be back at work and doing what I love best: talking to clients and making them look good. After the third week off post surgery I was beginning to go a bit insane. Luckily, the weather had been a bit warmer in the northeast showing New Jerseyans that sometimes you can bypass the whole snowy season and shoot straight for 80 degree temps right in the beginning of March. I took advantage of the time off and the pleasant weather by taking my book reading outdoors. My walking was quite limited temporally so going somewhere to experience the freshness of the air and the brightness of the sun was kept local. And what better place to that than the downtown, Perth Amboy waterfront. 

 After a pleasant hour reading by the water I decided it was time to head on home. I had traveled this area many, many times but realized I had taken a turn down a street I was not familiar with. Regardless, I then saw the main street I needed to make a left hand turn on and did just that. Suddenly a handsome spanish cop on foot began to wave to me. I did what anyone else would do and waved back. Not amused by my friendly returned hand gesture he motioned for me to pull over. I suddenly realized I hadn't washed my hair that day and was in need of a quick lip gloss refresher on my lips.  I had just enough time to check myself in the mirror for teeth food particles when he came on over to my window. I suddenly felt like I was an episode of " Chips " and he was my officer Poncherello. " What seems to be the problem officer " I replied in my most seductive voice. Looking back, I should never use that voice again. Ever. "License, registration and insurance card please" he said to me. I was lost. I thought he was picking me up. I was clueless and realized I would not be going to the roller disco later that evening. Baffled at to what I did wrong I glanced into my rear-view mirror to see officer Sexy Goya-oh-Boya running my information. I then saw him coming back to approach my car. " Miss, you made an illegal left hand turn onto this street. Their was a sign back there saying it was forbidden. I had to write you up a ticket but I gave you one that will hold no points to be nice. If you would like to protest it you may. " These were my options I thought to myself ?" I also wanted to say " If you were nice you would have not even given me a ticket at all " but opted for a simple " thanks " instead.  He walked away and ruined my chances of ever having a seductive cop fantasy again. 

 I pulled away and went around the block to see the " sign " the cop was talking about. As I was approaching the stoplight and carefully making sure I didn't make the same left-turn mistake, I saw the sign. Actually, the SIGNS. Plural. Their were four of them. " Huh, I said to myself. Wouldn't ya know."

 Driving home I realized a few things; I waved to cop that was not flirting, I now have a ticket to pay and how could I have missed all those signs? 

 Needless to say I am glad to be back in the workforce.

Lovin' At Any Age

I have learned a few things this past week. Knee surgery is a bitch. First, when in physical therapy make sure you always wear the good sweatpants without the hole in the crotch. It's not a good look to be getting your stretch on and have your beaver peak out.  Second, rehab in the daytime a sexy spot for sagging singles. If you're over 75 and single, this is the place to be. Now I'm not putting down "old lovin'". That generation must  know what to do. I mean, they have had long lasting marriages that usually only ended because " death did them part". Plus, there is something sweet about two sets of dentures clacking together resulting in a minty Polident smooch. 

 I recently had a client of mine pass away. Her and her husband were married over fifty years. She was my standing appointment  and every saturday for over four years we would meet at noon. It was the longest relationship I have had in quite sometime.  She would ask me how my week was, tell me how dangerous NYC was to go to alone ( she knew that I adore manhattan) and what her husband was making for dinner. Between them six lives were created and she made it a point to say that marriage and kids is not always " easy and breezy ". But her honesty displayed always resulted in love, patience,  trust and strength that she and her husband had for each other.  With those key ingredients,  " you would be able to work through anything "  she would tell me. That is some recipe this day in age. Every saturday at noon is not the same without her, but may her and her wisdom rest in peace. 

Now let's play the modern day geriatric dating game. My nana, who lives in a retirement village down in south jersey tells me tales of dating in her area. It's the same as any other age bracket , if not worse. The ratio of woman to men is off, resulting in a higher count of females to every male.  Baked goods are a lure woman will use to acquire a male love interest and if he decides to stray towards another female a smack faster than a major league baseball pitcher will be administered to all guilty parties. It's like the show Dynasty but without the shoulder pads and the smell of moth ball clothing instead.  There're is also a lake that these seniors like to relax near during the warmer months. And should I even share with you, that the men like to wear speedos to this leisurely body of water ? Well , I just did so try to shake that mental image out of your head. And in the words of my nana, " things are dangling and swingin". 

 With all this dating information my head is going to explode. Dating is not an easy task , regardless of age.  The most important thing I have learned while listening to the above stories is that micro-mini swimwear will leave little to the imagination and the mental image of two walnuts cascading on the floor keep coming to mind. Alright, alright. I also learned that love, patience, trust and strength are needed to have a long lasting commitment.

 Tommorrow is another day and for now, I must go. 

 I have to check my sweatpants for any holes. 

Excerpt from my book, chapter 6, Mr. Racist

It has been a few weeks since I have blogged.  And so, I am back. I have decided to entertain you with an excerpt from chapter six of my book titled " Mr. Racist." 

The first paragraph sets up the situation of how my girlfriend Tanya and I decided to go speed dating. The few after that explains what I had experienced and heard from my 10-three minute dates. Enjoy!

  Online dating had not worked; neither had being set up. I needed another method to end my singleness, so my friend    Tanya and I decided to go speed dating. I figured this could be a safer way to approach dating and if I didn't like any of the eligible bachelors ( or vice versa ) , I could always chalk it up to fun night out with a girlfriend. 

   Tanya and I chose seats right next to each other, with me first in line to experience any possible weirdos. " Hey, I'll warn you of what's coming your way," I told her. 

    She looked at me and laughed.  " Thanks." 

    

    We heard the opening chime of the spoon to the glass, and the parade of bachelors began. My mini-dates went as follows:

    Bachelor #1: " I think I am drunk."

    Bachelor #2: " I am not a social person and really hate talking."

    Bachelor #3: " The girl next to us, the one I'm going to meet next , is that you friend? I think she may be more my type than you are."

    Bachelor #4: " I have to pee." 

    Bachelor#5: " Your a hairdresser? What would you do with my hair? "

    Bachelor#6: " I'm a bit older than this age bracket, but I fibbed the age detail because I like younger woman. Actually, my daughter is your age and I recently became a grandfather for the first time!"

    Bachelor#7:  " If your a hairdresser, can you tell I am wearing a toupee?"

    Bachelor#8:  " I work at a car dealership, just bought my own condo and love traveling. Stop! ,  I said in my head, I think we have a winner!  But for the sake of the last two guys and the fee I paid, I decided to hang in through the next 

    six minutes. 

    Bachelor#9: " I'm friends with the guy that thought your friend was more his type. If she isn't interested in him, do you think you could tell her I am interested i her as well?" 

   Bachelor#10:  Actually, I have no idea what my tenth date said. He didn't speak much english. And just like a thunder an lightening storm, my quick and easy dating night blew in and out, even quicker.

   " Tanya , I am exhausted and not in the mood to mingle anymore. Can we leave?"

    It turned out she was done too, and jerked her head towards the door. 

   " How many did you check off?" I asked.

   " Three. Bachelors three, seven and nine. How about you? "

   " Just one, number eight. And by the way, you might have a little love triangle with numbers three and nine." I explained the situation to her. 

  " Thanks for the heads up , " she said , "Let's get out of here." 

 And for my blog readers, I did go out with Bachelor #8 which is how he acquired his name of Mr. Racist.

Five minutes in a cab

My latest trip to New York City proved to be a great success.  I had my second book signing and the chance to meet and chat with many wonderful people.  Usually when transporting myself all over the city taking the subway or simply walking is the way to go for me. Between the bitter cold and a on going knee ailment I chose to take a different route;  NYC cabs. This is not the first time I have taken a cab, but this was sure a different experience. 

I was staying in midtown and I needed to get to Union Square.  I took myself to an avenue facing towards downtown, thinking I would have a better chance. I did what everyone does to catch a cab, I lifted up my skirt inappropriately above my knee (the uninjured one) and hoped for the best. Just kidding, no one really does that.  Plus, I only do that in New Jersey.  So, I shimmied myself to a street corner and lifted my hand upwards. As I stood their watching cabs pass filled with patrons, I decided I had put my time into this corner so I am staying right here.  I mean, I  put two whole minutes into this commitment of waiting. Just then, a tall,  lean and stunning blond walks right next to me, to do the same thing: hail down a cab. The nerve of her I thought.  Like every good prostitute she should know this is my corner, I was here first.  Oh it's on, I thought to myself. I am definitely not going to lose this battle. Just then, a yellow cab pulls up, the driver rolls down the window and says "hey you, get in."  I looked next to me at blondie and then behind me realizing this " hey you" was meant for me.  I gave her a look that defined the phrase "see ya sucker " all over my face as she shook her head at me. This is exactly how Cinderella must have felt when the horse and carriage pulled up for the ball. 

As I headed inside to see my prince, the other side of the cab door had shut.  "I thought that guy would have never left."  the cabbie says.  "Union Square is where I'm headed, thank you."  I replied. And this is where my five minute cab ride turned into an episode of the dating game. 

As I took in all the smells the cab had to offer like Pine Sol, body odor and Twizzlers ( cherry flavored) I was asked a few questions." I saw you from across the road. I pick you up. You have boyfriend "  the nice cabbie asks me. Then he proceeds to explain, all the while gumming to death chicken nugget poppers with the four teeth he had that he is currently single, from Calcutta and that we would make "vetty nice couple". He proposed that if I like spicy food he would take me out to dinner. Midway to my destination, he adjusts the review mirror so all he can see every single horrific facial expression. After it is clear to him that we will never be a twosome we arrive at my destination as he asks me once more if I have made my choice on spicy food and a commitment with himself. 

Now I only require a few things and currently he is two out of three. He has a car and a job but no teeth, so I must decline. 

I am sure Mr. Calcutta will find the woman of his dreams. Someone who will share his love of spicy food and maybe she will have eight more teeth to complete a full set between them. As for me , I am still looking for my love. 

 As I paid the cabbie and closed the door I watched him drive away all the while thinking if the song "You'll never find another love like mine" by Lou Rawls was playing in his mind while mentally referring to my decision and then  departure. 

And then right then and there I had a craving for cherry flavored licorice. Hmmm, wonder why. 

Three Ring Circus

Dating can have it's challenges at any age. Let me explain.

Yesterday I was watching an episode of The Golden Girls. For anyone who is not familiar it is a show from the 80's about four single woman who are dating in the second part of their lives due to losing a spouse through divorce or death. One of the characters Dorothy met a man who was a lawyer. A charming smart, handsome and well articulated man who also dresses up as a clown in his down time to entertain children as a way to decompress from his full time law career. 

 Not soon after dating him for a short time, Dorothy was getting the feeling he was going to propose and liking the idea of being a lawyers wife. Instead, this high powered man decides to be a clown full time and hopes that she will travel the three-ring kinda life and accept him for this new man he wants to become. 

 I can relate because isn't all of our dates a three ring circus? That the first ring is filled with surreal ideas of who this person is, the second is the reality of what the relationship truly is and the third is a large elephant crapping all over the whole thing. 

 I would like to say that diluted expectations are  expected at any age but what is really important is just to have fun and maybe even run away with the clown. Hey, at least he has a job in this recession. 

 And finally, everything is always better with your girlfriends sitting at the kitchen table with a cheesecake in the middle and four forks. Plates excluded.

Welcome to My Blog

Hi! And thank you to anyone who has already supported me and my book. You see, I have been telling my friends and family the stories of my dating life for years. And it has been highly entertaining due to the men I have met.
For years I have been told "you need to write a book".  And so, I have.
For anyone who can relate, please read these stories and know you are not alone in this new age dating world.
And for the people who can't relate, then please sit back and relax to what you will hear. This is the life of a hairdresser who has dated all the crazies. Be prepared to laugh.

 Welcome to my world:)