Horizontal Stripes

Chances are I would NOT feel inclined to date someone in jail/prison ( and I would think most of the female population would agree with me. By most, I am not including the woman currently entertaining the Menendez brothers).

Due to current conditions, meaning their are no real possible options, should we resort to the boys behind the bars? I mean, they need love too, right? I am writing this based on a conversation I had with a friend a few weeks ago. So, without any further ado, here is how it went down. No cocktails were involved either. Just a few sober people discussing men and prison. What's next? A discussion about soap on a rope? We'll leave that for next time.

My friend is in the midst of a divorce. The logistics of the paperwork have not been fully completed but matters of the heart had left this couple way before a paper clip was even attached to what inevitably would go into a manila envelope. She has her own career and has started to put the pieces together of this new life. She is also ready to start dating again. So when she asked me where I go to meet men I told her my guess is as good as hers.

As you get older your options start to dwindle. A bar is no longer the place to meet someone of quality ( even though I'm sure some people do). Quality is the key but where would you even begin to look?

It got me thinking. The older we get the more baggage people need to check. And I am NOT talking about children because I don't consider them baggage. What's a deal breaker? A guy with a wrap sheet so long it makes Lindsay Lohan look like a nun? But at this age should we just expect it? And not only that but most people are not even honest about all the crimes they may have committed.

Here comes the most ridiculous conclusion that we both came up with. Cutting out the middle man and going straight to the prison. I mean you would be able to pick your crime of choice. Sex offenders are off limits. No bargaining there but what about a nice drug dealer? Or a pimp? Maybe a white collar crime? Tax evasion? My favorite? The arsonist. Everyone likes a nice campfire. You do realize we were just kidding?! It did give us a good laugh though.

On the serious side I am a full-on optimist and believe you can find someone without having to go the county jail. Plus, I am a terrible baker and with Hostess out of business I would never be able to hide the razor blade in a funfetti cake. With that creme center you would need a Twinkie to discreetly hide that kind of paraphernalia.

 As for my friend, she will find that nice guy minus the horizontal stripes or orange jumpsuit.

 Me? I might take a class on cake making.

Get Ready For It

I am waiting like most of the northeast for Hurricane Sandy to arrive. In the meantime I am drinking red wine and listening to some Ol' Blue Eyes. Because really, what else am I going to do? And let's face it;  Frank Sinatra's music makes everything a bit better.

As I await for this unwanted storm to show her ugly side I would like to recap on a few things that "went down" today.

I went to the grocery store to pick up a few more items. What I did NOT get was bread, milk or eggs but what I did get was barbecue chicken wings and Oreo's. Oh no! Maybe I should have purchased milk to go with those cookies! Regardless, there was a TON of  frantic people in the grocery store making mad dashes pass me. I was gingerly going about my business in slow motion because I am always clueless what to get in these situations because if you lose power things will spoil. So why all the produce people?

My main observation? The "single" individuals that were just like myself. How do I know this? Because usually "couples" tackle the emergency grocery shopping together, it's a Sunday and I am completely nosey. I check the ring finger (and yes I know rings do come off but they also carry a heavy weight mark when they do) and because each single male had mostly single serving items. So I say the calm before the storm at your local grocery store is a fantastic place to possibly scope out your local singles. Just my own silly little theory.

Moving on I decided to go to Target because I didn't think I could brave this storm without a pair of leggings or a pair of chadeliar earrings. Because during a possibly potentially dangerous hurricane both of these items are highly necessary.

 I am currently not wearing either of my brand new Target finds but I am wearing my New York Jets slippers (They lost today! Shocker!) , a Yankees t-shirt and my wine glass is half-filled. Sounds optimistic!

Let's all keep in mind what is important this evening: being safe and staying buzzed. It's about the only thing getting me through tonight during all these weather warnings on television.

Whatever is going to happen is, well, going to happen. "That's Life" ~Frank Sinatra

Ready For Halloween My Friends?

Here I am! And.....I am back. I had taken a short break (almost two months to be exact) from blogging because I spent the past month rescuing my friend out of a Guatemalan prison. Relax, I am just kidding.  

So here we are. It's already past the middle of October and were gearing up for Halloween. This is my, by far,  most favorite holiday. No pressure! Eating candy and dressing up like it's your job. Sounds like a good time to me.

You can be most ANYTHING you want to be without any judgment. For females, you could be a nurse, or a slutty nurse. Maybe a devil, or a slutty devil. Even a cowgirl, or a a slutty cowgirl. I think your catching my drift. Anything goes. But for men? What could a man be that is considered risky and seductive? I would say a plumber. The line " Hi Miss,  Someone called a plumber? I'm here to clean your pipes " is pretty much quoted in every D-list porn flick. Not that I would know. Or would I? Regardless, their is always some dirty mattress or fish tank that catches the eye of the viewer beyond the actual "acting" every time. Now let's get back to the topic of Halloween, shall we?

My ability to engage talking to someone rarely fails me. I like to talk to everyone and just about anyone- who will listen. Just the other day I was at the make-up counter looking to replace my lipgloss with the same shade. As the girl is working her heart out to find it ( and clearly does not want to be bothered beyond finding my gloss, ringing me up and then sending me on my merry little way) I feel the need to talk her ears off. Finally, just as her head pops above the glass display I cut her off to ask her what she is going to be for Halloween. Her eyes lit up! I knew I would get her to like me. She replies that they are out of my shade and then responds with " I am going to two parties and I am going as a couple." Totally patting myself on the back for getting this girl I have known for all five minutes to open up to me I reply back with " I love couple costumes! Soooooo,  tell me what your boyfriend and you are going as !" Her eyes look down and she quietly replies " My girlfriend. I have a girlfriend." Still enthusiastic (because now I feel like that opens up even more of a world of possibilities for them!) I tell her if I had a plus one I would want to be a swimming victim with fake blood all over me and my  boyfriend could be the shark better know as JAWS. She lights up, knowing I am all business when it comes to Halloween and says their thinking of being Zombies. A few more minutes pass by and my large caboose of an ass has pretty much made a spot on the counter gently pushing off the featured blushes on sale for the month. You would of thought we were long lost buddies. Just then a customer comes to the counter and I have decided that I should let my new friend make a few sales. I tell her to have a nice Halloween, she tells me the same and then I make my way to the perfume counter. New friends?!

I hope she has fun at her parties. And even though I am not attending any parties leading up to Halloween I am taking myself to the West Village in NYC on the actual day. I will meet up with friends, enjoy looking at all the costumes that people have worked so hard on all year on and if I'm lucky to have a few cocktails with a drag queen. For me, I have crafted my costume and it is anything but sexy. I would NEVER want to compete with the lovely drag queens downtown! But it's me. It's what happens when I have access to a hot glue gun, a ton of felt and a dream. And you all will get to know on the 31st of October.

I hope everyone has a good time and if you see me downtown please come by and chat with me! I promise not to talk your ear off.

Happy Halloween my friends!

Talking Skinny

A debate always has two sides which also mean their are two answers. No right or wrong usually comes of it because that's just what a debate is; the idea of something you feel strongly about and then trying to persuade the other team. Currently people are in debates over who is a better fit for the presidency this year, the current democrat Barack Obama or a republican who would have his first term, if elected, Mitt Romney. Another debate could be who is the bigger Queen of England, the actual Queen or Elton John ( love ya Elton). I would like to bring up a debate that had sparked my attention lately. Something that I feel really needs to be addressed. With fall just around the corner fashion trends are everywhere, most catering to woman. But occasionally I do see the man trends coming along and it is nice to see men taking pride in what they are wearing. It's better than a bum that is content wearing sweatpants hanging below his butt crack and a graphic tee stating "your mom is hot". So, the debate for question is: should a man wear a skinny jean? Let me explain how this gained my attention.

This all came about when I overheard a young woman telling her girlfriend she was contemplating NOT going out with a guy for the first time because his denim, from the upper thigh and straight down to his ankles were fitted.  Basically, he was a fan of the skinny jean. Is this bad or good? Should we judge a man by the cut of his jeans instead of taking the time to get to know him first? Woman, are we that shallow? I mean, come on ladies, I doubt a man would dismiss going out with us over an ill-fitting pair of pants that could translate into a nasty case of camel toe. Or, maybe he would. But in any case I think getting to know someone before you judge them on their clothing might be the best option because if you do like them, and start a relationship, better clothing suggestions down the road are possible. But giving up on a nice person because of materials is ridiculious.

I am not sure if that girl ever gave Skinny Jeans Guy a chance but what I do know is that camel toe can happen to men too. It's called moose knuckle. Hey, it happens.

Let's Get Comfortable

It's officially summertime! Swimwear and "clothing left to your imagination" will proudly be worn up and down our lovely New Jersey coastline. This is the time of year where people are out looking for a good time and maybe even a possible summer romance. It's really all about the fun factor. Hey, we're New Jerseyans. We know how to "live it up". 

A few weekends ago, as I was enjoying my summer cocktail at a friends bar-ba-que get together she explained to me a dating story that her friend of a friend had experienced. Isn't it always a friend of a friend? Regardless, I was compelled to listen. And excited that this nightmare she was about to tell me was not of my own experiences. 

Let's call this friend of a friend Melanie. I am actually not even sure of the name of the person that it happened to but it sounds like a sweet enough name to use for a girl who got romantically shafted. Here is her story. 

Melanie was like most girls this day in age. Independent, hard-working and looking for a nice guy that would stand by her side. She did what allot of busy people ( including myself) have done to look for love: go to an online dating source. After being on the site for a few months she found a very handsome guy who seemed too good to be true. According to him, had a very successful business.  She perused through his online photographs where one was of him in his living room, another was him leaning next to his car and the last one was of him outside a large brick building, no lettering, where he stated he " worked".  They went on a few dates and she was smitten. How could such a well rounded wonderful guy still be out there on the market? She felt so lucky to have come across and snag this hidden treasure. Until things took an odd turn. Every time Melanie would even mention where he lived he would be very brief and then change the subject. This dueled for his job as well. She noticed mentioning both of these topics would make him a little uncomfortable, so he would turn the conversation back to her. After a few more dates and with none of her questions answered, she started to become so agitated she decided to give herself a break from him for a few days by going out with some of her own friends.  While out with her posse she received a bit of unwelcoming news about her " successful man". Turns out, one of her guy friends recognized that name from when he was in college while she was telling him her latest dating saga. It was a " buddy of a buddy" at his dorm that his friend still keeps in touch with. One night, when all the guys were going out this guy came out too and shared all of his " dating secrets".  Let me establish his dating stats first;  he is a waiter at a popular chain restaurant and lives in the basement of his uncle's house, who is a lawyer. His " successful business " was a lie and as for his car that he was posing against in his profile photo was his uncle's luxury vehicle, which he also borrowed for their dates when he picked her up. The kicker of it all? You would have thought the photo of him in his living room was in his uncle's house. Not really. This guy had his friends take photos of him in an Ikea "living room" and would post them as " his place" on the website.  Technically, as long as he sat on the ever so popular Swedish furniture company's couch it was his own. But let's keep this real, never have I heard of something so ridiculous ( and funny! ) as this. Who would lie about such a thing ? Apparently this guy. 

Now, I have been to Ikea many times and enjoy all the already comfortable furnished living areas. And admit, that if I am there with a friend, I give them a pen from my purse to pretend it's a skinny microphone so they can be Bob Barker in the Price is Right and I could think I am one of the hot girls showing off what you could win at the Showcase Showdown. No joke. I do it.

 As for Melanie, she called him up that night when she got home, told him off and never saw him again. I am hoping Melanie could find a little summer fling to rebound from Mr. Ikea. 

Sweet Little Lines

 I had the best " line" told to me from a client while at work last week.

 Let me explain this gentleman to you. He is a very funny, elderly man that when he found out my age told me he could never date me because I was too old for him. Did I mention that he is married and roughly around 110 years old? Okay, I am pushing it. He is more like 100. Anyhow, every time he arrives at the salon ( he is not always my client but sometimes I get lucky and inherit him for an appointment ) he makes his way towards me to tell an abundance of jokes. And he is quite the dirty bird. What about his wife? She is a client of the salon as well and is a sweet, sweet woman. I even had to reassure her once that I was not interested in her husband and despite his " comes on's  " him and I would never be an item.  She smiled at me and look disappointed that I wouldn't be taking him off her hands. ( For the record, she does love him.) 

 He is a harmless man and in such a " PC" world we live in I think we need more people like him : light-hearted, funny and not too series. And as much as I tell him that he is a buster I truly do not mind. 

As I  began washing this older fella's hair , who also once resembled Leonardo Dicaprio in his younger years, he looked up to me and said " Kiwi, I wish I could have been a woman, so that way I could have met me." I couldn't help but to laugh and just say " First off, let me say that your the only person I allow to call me Kiwi and secondly, your right." 

 You have to love someone who can just put it out all there. 

 I will be sad one day when he turns 200 and starts forgetting those punch lines.  

He's Wearing.......

  Last week one of my clients bestowed me with the greatest gift:  a fresh dating story. It was not her personal experience but one that her sister had encountered. I graciously listened to all of the details as I combed her silky black hair,  precisely cut it and  watched the hair fall to the ground.

 My client's sister, a prestigious woman who has worked hard and became a doctor was looking for a man that was up to her caliber. Turns out the man that she had met online, a college professor, was looking for the same trait in a life long female companion. He wanted someone who could hold a high-leveled conversation and stand along him proudly and equally at any events for his work that he needed to attend. 

 According to my client, they went out few times and had a wonderful time. It's so nice when two people can find their exact match. The ying to their yang. I have never truly experienced it myself so I am going to compare it to the feeling I have when my socks come out of the dryer and I find the match rather quickly. Very exciting. 

 A few dates in, they were out one evening and  during their conversation he felt comfortable enough to tell her about a medical condition that he currently has. Oh, I have been down that road before except I didn't even have to take the time to go out with the guy because he decided to share with me all about his " leaky cyst " over the phone before we even had met. But this was different, nothing was oozing from his body. He had a condition called Hyperhidrosis. It's a condition where someone will sweat profusely because the body will have a hard time cooling down itself . And yes, I found out the proper terminology from Wikipedia. How am I suppose to know and remember all this? 

 The new details my client's sister received was not alarming until he decided to share another piece of information that he should of clearly left out. To control his sweating issue better known as " hyperhidrosis" he explains to her that   he wears his mother's pantyhose. Now this was a deal breaker for her but I feel like their were much larger things to address here. For instance, why didn't he just buy his own pantyhose? Doesn't nylon increase the sweating ? Why did he chose his mother's hosiery ? Did he wash the pantyhose before he borrowed them from her ?  Did he wax or shave before he put them on? And is he using the proper shade for his skin tone? Many, many questions for him popped into my head but my clients sister didn't stick around to ask. Curiosity would have made me stay around at least another ten minutes to have the survey of them answered. Just for the hell of it, he must have known a little about woman's undergarments,  so I would have also asked him if he knew what really happens the minute after an eighteen hour bra has been worn for too long.  Would it suddenly combust leaving your nips to dust the floor? 

 Needless to say she was out. She felt she could not date a man who wore his mother's pantyhose. She needs a man to wear pants in her world. 

 I would have to agree. Just thinking about a potential boyfriend of mine wearing that constrictive nylon would make my skin itchy.